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Men and Women's Sexual Experiences
Female Sexuality, Orgasm and Sex
The detailed process by which women reach orgasm is reached has been studied many times but still remains a bit obscure.
We have found that about 20 percent of the women in our survey indicated that the usual arousal sequence is for the husband first to stimulate the clitoris manually or orally, which may or may not produce orgasm, and then to insert his penis to produce further stimulation, which nearly always brings him to orgasm and ejaculation, and sometimes results in both partners achieving orgasm.
About 95 percent of women said they attain orgasm either before or after their husbands and primarily through manual or oral clitoral stimulation.
When very specific questions were asked about the timing of wife and husband orgasm, it was found that 5 percent of the women reach orgasm at the same time as their spouses, with 70 percent attaining orgasm before and 25 percent coming after their husbands have ejaculated.
The women in the various samples indicated that clitoral stimulation is highly important to them in reaching orgasm. Over 75 percent ascribed either great or indispensable value to clitoral arousal.
Further, it is clear that clitoral and vaginal stimulation are perceived quite differently by most of the women, who typically regard one of the two as relatively more exciting; or they experience one rather than the other as possessing some special quality (e.g. warmth, "deep feeling," throbbing).
Although it may be true that vaginal stimulation achieves much of its effect by its indirect arousal of the clitoris, one can still say that the experienced quality of the vaginal and clitoral experiences differs. They do not feel alike.
Whether this is caused by differences in the angle of penetration and type of touch involved or by differences arising out of the psychological implications of being penetrated or not being penetrated (or holding an organ of another person within oneself versus not doing so) is unclear.
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Detailed Descriptions of Intercourse and Sexual Arousal
When men and women are asked to communicate the nature of their experience during sexual arousal by giving brief answers or making numerical judgments in response to questionnaires, a good deal is lost by condensation inevitably required by such a format. In an attempt to document in its full qualitative complexity the nature of sexual arousal in men and women, we gave women who answered our survey these instructions:
"Please give a detailed description of how you usually attain orgasm. Describe particularly the body sensations you experience, the thoughts that pass through your mind, your feelings, your attitudes, any difficulties you have, and so forth. Also describe in detail how you feel about five minutes after you attain orgasm. Please write as much as you can."
Most of the women who participated in this study were able to give full descriptions of how they became sexually aroused, reach orgasm, and the subjective states accompanying it.
Here's what we found....the following excerpts have been chosen so as to constitute a representative cross-section of the descriptions that were collected. They have been edited for conciseness and clarity.
To have the most enjoyable time in bed I prefer the setting to be romantic and pleasant. My husband is usually in a sexually "aggressive-assertive" mood - which I prefer. I like to feel in a playful mood - and to talk and fool around for a while instead of getting right down to serious sex.
I like a wide variety of foreplay including cunnilingus, fellatio, some anal stimulation occasionally. I like to feel as if my husband is paying strict attention to me and my pleasure - treating me like his queen.
This is a selfish attitude - and of course I'm not treated like this all the time - but it is important to me to at least have this frame of mind.
The physical actions can really fit the mental actions if you really believe this is the way things are. I like to feel relaxed and secure during sex. That makes my orgasm easier. I prefer to be held, petted, and in general treated gently. The orgasm itself builds from the foreplay.
Should he find that he has difficulty reaching orgasm, a condition known as delayed ejaculation, my husband will always seek to increase the level of sexual stimulation he receives during our lovemaking by asking me to stimulate his penis orally.
Often I have orgasms - sometimes of lesser intensity - during foreplay then experience another during intercourse. The sensation of the orgasm is of mounting tension and warmth followed by a desire for more (of whatever happening at the moment) until finally a release and satisfaction is attained. Sometimes he will ask me to provide him with a way to come quickly - click here to find out what this superb cure for delayed ejaculation actually is.
When in a face to face position for sex I prefer my husband to look at me - and this heightens the orgasm. It doesn't bother me too much if I don't achieve orgasm - which isn't very often - because the sex was pleasurable anyway and I really enjoy seeing my husband have fun as he fucks me. I do feel a little disappointed - but think the next time will be better.
The sex positions advice implied here, if not explicitly stated, is spot on: try new positions regularly and if the man has a high sex drive and the woman a low sex drive, she must let him have his way to keep him happy.
[ Editor's note: That anachronistic view of male and female sexuality is certainly a strange one to modern ears. But it demonstrates clearly that some men and women still hold fast to a traditional view of human sexuality which dictates that the man must "satisfy" the woman during sexual activity. ]
However, This view of sexuality is probably responsible for poor communication, failed relationships, and a lack of sexual fulfillment. I also suspect that it is responsible for many men failing to get to grips with sexual difficulties such as delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation.
If you are a man and wish to step outside these old gender dysfunctional interpretations of sexuality, check out the nature and treatment of sexual dysfunction - specifically delayed ejaculation - here.
After lovemaking I usually fall asleep mainly because I'm tired. But if we do stay awake for awhile the sensation is one of laziness, euphoria - sort of a floating, drifting, luxurious feeling. It is probably the happiest time of day. I feel very secure, time seems suspended, and I feel as if I have no cares.
This may lead to sexual intercourse and generally there will be an intermediate stage in which some of the forms of love-play already described will be employed. But in itself it involves nothing beyond the contact of bodies. It consists of the partners resting together in any position in which their bodies touch.
Thus one partner may read, while the other may simply snuggle in quietly, or both may read or rest. Some lovers will remain thus for hours, doing nothing, yet their senses will be aroused by bodily contact, an experience which they find pleasurable.
Passive love-play, by the touching of bodies, makes them pleasurably conscious that they may be called to more active sexual relations. And the moment will come when one of them makes the first move of active love-play - perhaps a kiss, or a stroking of the love-mate's body, or simply the whispered words of love which bring to life the sexual desire which, in the passive-contact stage, has been only faintly felt.
The dividing line between the normal and the abnormal is exceedingly thin. The basic sexual impulse is there, but many people miss the way of normal love, and so it is not easy, nor is it likely to prove of practical help, to catalogue various sexual practices and follow the form of indicating the methods of normal love technique with indications as to how people enjoy them.
I almost always attain orgasm during lovemaking - the majority of the time I have multiple orgasms. My husband and I change sex positions about three times on the average during intercourse (sometimes this doesn't mean a total change in how we make love, just a shifting in one position, e.g., I may lift my legs and wrap them around his waist after having them straight down when he's on top).
Many times I'll reach orgasm in one position and then we'll shift and I'll reach orgasm again, etc., until my husband reaches his climax which in turn makes me climax again. The only times I don't reach orgasm like this are when my mind is on other things besides sex - if, for example, dinner is on the stove.
Sometimes I'll have reached orgasm a few times and be so tired I don't feel like continuing, but I want my husband to reach orgasm and ejaculate during sex so I'll force myself - then I'm usually happy about it and I know how to make myself orgasm again.
If my husband has come too soon, I feel dissatisfied and want to feel him in me - often he isn't able to make love a second time after he has ejaculated. I like to think of delayed ejaculation as something that never bothered us, and certainly not something that we need to take account of in our lovemaking. This would certainly leave me frustrated.
Once this happened - when it was like a convulsive thing and I involuntarily and unconsciously screamed - and I really enjoyed it...One thing about my orgasms - I feel like biting or grabbing something really hard and my husband's back sometimes gets pretty scratched.
Usually after orgasm I feel like I have to urinate and almost always go to the bathroom then. By the time I get out my husband is half asleep and soon fall asleep myself.
If we have sex during the day we usually fall asleep then (we don't get as much sleep as we need), but often we get dressed and go out if it's the beginning of the day. At any rate, we both like to relax together for a little while afterwards.
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